We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
