her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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