This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
