I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
