There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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