if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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