my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
