my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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