Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
