you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
