Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
