I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
