I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
