I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
