Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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