You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
