i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
