Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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