I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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