I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
