the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
