Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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