she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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