i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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