I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
