when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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