"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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