6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
