9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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