I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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