i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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