I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
