I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
