you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
We smell like vodka and hangover
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