i already hear my dad disowning me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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