I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
