he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
