My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
