angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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