dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
