I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
