Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
