I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
