yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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