I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My pussy is not your playground.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
