I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
