Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
