and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
