My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
