I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
