I got chris browned last night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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