he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dicks are not precious.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
