Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
