I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
