Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
