shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
