My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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