I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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