consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
