we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
