some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
