You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
