My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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